A Message From Peter
Greetings, everyone!
The theme of this newsletter is 'Challenges and Possibilities,' which seems particularly apt as I write this, on January 20. Barak Obama has just been sworn in as U.S. President and begins what many see as a new era of possibilities after a long period of challenges. As it's also the start of a new year, it's a great time for every one of us to look for possibilities -- in all aspects of our lives.
My podcast this time focuses on the opportunities that present themselves to us during difficult times -- if only we can recognize and make the most of them. I also touch on the Winter Olympics in Vancouver next year, which I'm looking forward to more than you can imagine. Of course, I needed to get a short plug in about my new book, Igniting the Third Factor, and my upcoming cross-Canada book tour, so there's a short segment on that too. I'd love to see you when I'm in your city!
The ability to turn a challenge into an opportunity is evident throughout this issue of the newsletter. In the feature article, 'Tackling Challenging Conversations,' Sandra Stark, PCI Principal (who also happens to be my wife and therefore an expert on challenging conversations!), outlines the pros and cons of initiating difficult conversations in the workplace. Though it's a tough subject, it's something every manager, co-worker and parent needs to know.
Tackling Challenging Conversations is also the name of our new two-day program, which was developed by Sandra and our top trainers after extensive research. If you're interested in learning more about the program, check out the Programs section of the PCI website.
In the 'Ask The Expert' column, co-written by Sandra and PCI Senior Associate Garry Watanabe, the question revolves around the dilemma of whether or not to initiate a challenging conversation. Their answers provide managers at every level insight into knowing when to "hold 'em and when to fold 'em."
I hope this new year holds wonderful possibilities for each of you and perhaps I'll see you 'on tour.'
Warm Regards,
Peter's Podcast
In the podcast, Peter offers tried and true tips on getting through tough times by looking at the possibilities -- instead of the "awfulness" -- around us. He also looks ahead to his book tour and recommends some insightful books written by others.
To listen to the Podcast in .mp3 format, simply click the 'Listen Now' link below. If you wish to save the Podcast to listen to later (or even transfer to your iPod), 'right-click' the link and choose 'Save Target As...' to save it to your computer.
Tackling Challenging Conversations
By Sandra Stark, Performance Coaching Principal
If you are like most managers, one of the things you most dislike doing is having a challenging conversation with someone -- especially if they are a hard worker, generally competent, but just falling down in a few places. Many managers avoid or soft-pedal the issue, only to watch that person deal with a more serious issue later, such as loss of promotion, less opportunity, smaller bonus, or lack of respect.
There are three types of challenging conversations in the work environment:
- Performance-related. You need someone to change how they are performing a certain task, such as the way they speak to the team or their attitude toward support staff.
- A difficult personality or trait that is undermining relationships, office morale, team development and/or productivity. This difficult personality may be constant, or just emerge under certain circumstances, but it needs to be addressed.
- Hard truths. A pattern of events that points to something needing to change. For example, your marketing plans aren't working, you're missing too many deadlines, we argue about everything related to this topic. Whatever the issue is, it's a hard truth that has to be addressed.
The underlying premise in each of these is that things aren't working as they are and something is going to have to change. The other person may not be aware this needs to change, they may not believe it needs to change, they may not want to make the change, but in your opinion it has to change.
Why is this so tough?
What makes these conversations so difficult before we even start them? What is it we are afraid of? What causes the increased pressure and scares us about this conversation?
Here are some of our worst fears around these challenging conversations.
- I might make it worse and escalate the problem.
- Any conversation around this topic may result in negative consequences to me. I could be rejected, lose the relationship, there could be retaliation, I may force an outcome I'm not prepared for (e.g., they quit).
- This could violate unspoken agreements. There may be an unspoken agreement or norm that certain topics don't get raised in this organization, family or relationship.
- I may meet with irrationality or emotional outbursts.
- I may exhibit irrationality or emotional outbursts myself.
- I could end up looking like the bad guy.
- There could be hurt feelings -- theirs or mine.
- I might discover I am part of the problem and I might have to change too.
- It takes up too much time.
- I may have to engage at a deeper level with this person. I may hear, or have to share, information that makes me uncomfortable.
Let's take a couple of these fears and explore a little further to see what is so scary. What we discover is that somehow it all really comes down to 'me' -- that I might get hurt, be hurtful, look bad, feel incompetent. For each of us the real challenge is how to reconcile being honest and direct with doing no harm to ourselves or to the other person.
Can't I just ignore it and hope it goes away?
Given how much trouble this is, why bother? What if we just don't confront? What are the results of not confronting? What if we just let it go and do nothing? Here are a few possibilities.
- The problem escalates rather than resolves.
- I get an outcome I don't want at a time when I least need it.
- Emotions build until someone blows up.
- I lose the relationship as my anger and disrespect grow.
- I lose my credibility with other staff because I don't deal with it.
- I could lose other staff.
- I undermine myself and my health.
- I lose my job.
Looking at the two lists it would seem that whether we confront or we don't, the outcome is not good. They look pretty similar. Both indicate we will get an outcome we don't want. But which of these lists actually represents the truth? The answer: the 'don't confront' list. By not confronting you will be guaranteed an outcome you don't want.
If you don't confront when it's needed you will continue to get behaviour you don't want, and your relationship will be harmed. Your communications will become contaminated by negative thoughts, feelings and actions, such as sarcasm, cynicism, ridicule and talking behind backs. Eventually this will lead to a damaged relationship, reduced commitment in the other person and long-term decline.
The first list, the 'what will happen if we confront' list, is a list of our fears about what could happen. It is not the truth. Yet some of us, in spite of all logic to the contrary, act as if this list is the truth, as if it is better not to confront.
What keeps that belief alive? During the anticipation phase, we often think of this conversation as a threat, and if you're like most people you will delay having to deal with something you feel is a threat. This is normal, as these are just survival instincts. To overcome them, we need to pay attention to how we are naming/thinking about this conversation.
If I believe it is a threat and . . . I therefore prepare for it as if it is a threat . . . What internal state am I creating? Fear and anger.
If we confront from a place of fear or anger, which is a place of reactivity, defensiveness and irrationality, we increase the probability of a self-fulfilling prophecy. The behaviours that come out of this negative internal state -- to blame, punish, intimidate, embarrass, etc. -- undermine our skills and reduce our choices for how to be.
Confronting Effectively = Opportunity
Right up front we need to have tremendous clarity about a few things if we want to confront in an effective way -- that is from a place of higher purpose and with a coaching approach. We need to think and talk about the opportunities in having the conversation.
There are many opportunities in learning to confront -- for starters, increased trust.
We want the people we coach to trust us. We often think they will trust us if we are nice to them; we equate trust with lack of discord. But we couldn't be more wrong. How you and your employees deal with discord is one of the biggest determinants of how much trust and respect you will have in one another. If you can treat everyone with respect and compassion when you are frustrated, angry and scared, then they can trust you. Discord, difficult topics and disagreement are absolutely unavoidable in authentic relationships, and dealing with them always presents an opportunity to increase respect and deepen the trust. However, if it is done poorly, it will undoubtedly weaken respect and trust.
This is especially true with someone who is charged with the responsibility of coaching another: the manager. If I am the coachee and you are my manager, my trust in you is built on the knowledge that you will act responsibly and fairly to help me improve -- especially when something is wrong. I need to trust that you will not chicken out and leave me hanging out there doing it wrong or making a bad impression and messing up without telling me.
Being 'Big' Enough
To successfully engage in this process you have to be big. When you're angry, frustrated, rushed, embarrassed, you're neck is on the line, you know you're right and someone is resisting, it's hard to be big -- really hard.
I think intuitively we all know this and at some level we fear we just can't be that big or we think we shouldn't have to be, (he shouldn't have put me in that position), or we don't want to be. I hear phrases such as: "I'll just make matters worse." "It won't make any difference." "It won't be a positive experience in the end." "People may get hurt, angry, behave badly, relations will suffer."
We rarely say: "I'm just not a big enough person to pull this off." Well, to quote some very wise people: "Who are you not to be big?"
The map and the skills we teach in our Tackling Challenging Conversations course are really the most wonderful mini lesson and methodology for how to be big in a confrontational setting. From our point of view the question is not really whether to confront or not; it is how to confront in a way that communicates your best intentions and meets your highest purpose. To do that you need awareness, self-management skills, and a clear map of how to proceed.
There is an excellent section on this in Peter's new book, Igniting The Third Factor, and Susan Scott has written one of the best books ever on communicating, called Fierce Conversations, but I believe these skills are best learned in a workshop setting where you get to see the 'all' of it and practise in an environment where you can be coached.
Ask the Expert
"I have someone who reports to me who brings technical knowledge and skills along with significant business experience. The challenge is that she has an abrasive personality. She's impatient, interrupts others and dominates the airtime in meetings. I have not noticed it being an issue with her direct reports, but her peers seem to be involving her in matters less and less. I don't know if this is a changeable behaviour, and it would be hard to replace what she brings to the table. I'm not sure if challenging her on this behaviour is a good idea or if I should just live with it. How do I know when confronting is the right solution?"
Sandra Stark - Performance Coaching Principal and Garry Watanabe, PCI Senior AssociateFrom what you have written about her so far it appears that as her coach you really have no choice but to challenge her -- if you want to call yourself her coach! This person is shooting herself in the foot. Given her other talents, learning how to communicate effectively and become a good teammate can only enhance her ability to go far. From our perspective, your job is to help her go as far as she can go.
You ask a critical question though. Can she change? The behaviour is certainly changeable for a willing partner. Will she be open to coaching from you around her behaviour? This is worth assessing. Some people are more coachable than others. If she falls into the 'problem child' category -- that is, she has a pervasive and severe personality problem in general -- then she may not be a candidate. But it sounds like she works hard, is skilled and engages with some passion; these are all good qualities. But before deciding, consider the following:
How is your relationship?Do you have a mandate to coach her? Do you have a clean, respectful relationship? If yes, then go for it. If not, then coaching her may take longer. You may want to work on building a relationship with her first. You may have to build in some conversations that show her you are paying attention. Be sure to recognize her good work and contributions. Draw her awareness to when things don't go over so well with others by using some guiding questions. Give her some simple but effective feedback. See how she responds. If it seems to fly over her head then you need to challenge her to grow.
What are the consequences of the behaviour?Assess the full impact of this person's behaviour. This is what you have to live with if you don't confront. So consider the impact on everyone involved: direct reports, teammates, you. Right now there does not seem to be an impact on her direct reports, but it would be wise to verify whether or not that is actually true. In terms of her teammates, they are involving her less and less. What will be the impact if this trend continues? In terms of the performer herself, is she reducing her influence within the organization or torpedoing her chances for advancement? And, as her manager/coach, how do you feel about letting her continue on this course? Finally, for yourself, how long will it be before it starts to negatively affect your relationship with her?
Remember to stay balanced in your assessment. Get rid of any inflated consequences that just happen to be a hot button for you. Take a look at the real consequences of this person's behaviour. They will inform you about whether you need to challenge her or not. You may suddenly realize it isn't that serious and let it go. Or you may decide you really have no choice. Knowing it is necessary does not make it easier, but it does give you more confidence that you are doing the right thing.
Allowing someone to sabotage their own development or reduce morale or productivity is never a good idea. We have to remove the personal fears (see the Tackling Challenging Conversations article, above) from the equation and analyze what is really at stake with an objective eye. Once we have tremendous clarity around what specifically must change -- the core issue -- the confrontation can become a highly productive, relationship-enhancing experience for both. This is when tackling a challenging conversation becomes a great opportunity rather than a dreaded debacle. Our job is to learn how to do it effectively so that we capitalize on all that can be gained from such an interaction.